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RE: I don't need to know how to understand my parents; I need to know how to make the parents understand ME. by WWS27

WWS27 — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 22:04:50 GMT

It would help to know what kinds of things you're trying to talk with them about but I can tell you right off the bat, that if your frustration is over things like allowance money, curfew, dating, your grades, your choice of friends etc., your options may be very limited until you become of legal age. And as long as they're feeding you, clothing you, putting a roof over your head, paying for your medicine and doctor visits when you're sick, no further explanation is necessary, but here's one anyway: Copy and paste this link into your web browser and listen to the explanation that every decent parent wishes their child could understand:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sa_1CnG9kA

Also, your culture is one that generally places great emphasizes on education, family and strong business and work ethics. Your parents understand what it takes to succeed far better than you, and their desire is to see you go further, climb higher and be better than they are!

Long ago, I was a young woman too, Stephanie! And I thought my parents were the dullest, most ignorant, out-of-touch, "old school" people in the world! I rebelled (as far as I dared....my mother was no joke so I knew not to push the envelope beyond a particular limit or I wouldn't be able to sit down for at least a week)!!! Many days I cried bitter tears because in my parent's house, there seemed to be too many rules and restrictions. I was never allowed to spend the night at a friend's house, go shopping with a gang of my good, girl friends, go to parties with the neighborhood "kool" kids, stay up late (not even on week-ends), and church was a must - no exceptions. Sometimes, I'd curse my parents under my breath and in my mind. Sometimes, I even thought I hated them.

Fast forward. I was 17 years old. I graduated from high school (many of the "kool" kids didn't, because they got pregnant in the 10th, 11th and 12th grades). Back then, an unmarried, pregnant teen was a scandal. (How I wish it were still, today). I was walking toward the kitchen one night to get a glass of water and for some unknown reason, I looked back at my mother. Thanksgiving's turkey was in the oven...our house and the whole neighborhood smelled of stuffing, ham, dressing, potato salad, sweet potato and pumpkin pies....ummmm!!! Next week was Thanksgiving. There sat my Mom at the dining room table talking to my brother and his wife about the Bible. They LOVED talking to her while I thought she was the meanest Mother in the world. She didn't understand me, she never listened to me and as far as I could tell, she didn't like me very much.

I turned to go into the kitchen to get the water, but something happened. I found myself suddenly submerged under an ocean, trying to run to her but couldn't. My mother's eyes closed, her head went back, and she let out a deep breath. And she was gone.

She was only 49 and I was 17, with 2 younger sisters. The next few days passed in a fog. Relatives, friends and church members came and brought lots of food and drinks and everyone was laughing and talking and making arrangements to bury my mother. How could this be? I was only 17! My little sisters were 14 and 10 years old! I couldn't understand how something like this could happen to me.

The funeral came and went and I was supposed to find a "new normal" (as they say), one that didn't include my Mother. After about a week of trying, I fell apart. I stopped eating, stopped talking and just cried and cried and wished with everything in me, that I could bring her back. But somehow, I had to finally process the fact that my Mother was gone.

The strangest thing about it all is that while I was standing at her graveside, I tried to remember when I started disliking her so much....I tried to remember when I started feeling like she didn't like me, and why. I couldn't remember. The truth was...it no longer mattered. I'd do anything she asked and never again complain....if she would only come back and give me another chance.

But she didn't. I had to learn to live life without my mother. About 15 years later my father died, too. But by then Stephanie, I'd learned so many valuable life-lessons, and I understood so much more concerning my parents and their "whys" and their rules than I would have ever dreamed possible. I learned that many of my friends (who are now dead, single parents, incarcerated or recovering substance abusers) were experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol at the parties that my mother wouldn't let me attend. I learned that some of the same men who were kind and respectable in front of my mother, were child molesters and pedophiles behind closed doors. I learned that some of the "kool" kids were actually petty thieves, and were stealing the beautiful clothes that I envied, but my parents could not afford to buy, I learned that some of the parents of my friends were actually closet alcoholics and functional drug addicts. Who knew? (My Mother)!!!

And so will you learn, too.

Your parents see you as unique, special and set apart from all the rest. They envision nothing less than success and a good life for you. And they feel obligated to do everything in their power to see that you get that good life... even if it means making you spit-fire mad sometimes...even if it means making you feel like you hate them sometimes!

As humans, we're so busy complaining about what we don't have (and I'm talking about the human race - not just you), that we never take the time to see and appreciate what we DO have! At least you HAVE your parents....I only wish I did! I wish they were here for the sake of my 2 younger sisters! At least you have parents that care when so many kids have parents who are either physically and/or emotionally, absent. Your friends may never tell you, but they'd trade places with you in a heart beat!!!

Try to treasure and honor the time that you have been given with your parents because if life takes it's natural course, they're going to leave this world before you will. And I am a living witness...there is no pain...no sorrow...no wound so deep as the wound of losing one of both of your parents!

Focus on making happy memories for and with them, while you can! Take pictures with them. Find reasons to make them smile, like bringing home great report cards, accepting their decisions and their discipline without an attitude, back-talk or giving them the cold shoulder, assuming responsibility without being asked or told, and loving them just because. Take it from me - the moments, hours and days that you lose focusing on yourself, can never be regained once your parents close their eyes in Eternal sleep! It hurts no matter HOW good your relationship is with them. But you can eliminate the "could-a, should-a, would-a's" if you can put your plans, your feelings, your wants and your needs aside for a moment, and enjoy the beautiful gift of life that you've been given to share with your wonderful parents!

The pain of losing your Mother can not be described - it can only be experienced. But even worse was the pain of looking back over all of the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds that I spent rebelling against my mother, when I could have been making her proud of me and basking in the sunshine of her good graces. It hurt for many, many years after her death, because in my last 2 years of high school I'd managed to turn my life around. I took responsibility for my grades, my actions and my behavior and EVERYONE noticed...teachers, neighbors, the people at the church, and even my Mother. And she relaxed some of the restrictions that she'd had on me, all of my life but guess what? It no longer mattered because I was beginning to enjoy our relationship the way it SHOULD have been, all along.

Little did I know then that I'd lose her within 2 years of my turn-around. Little did I know then that all I needed was an attitude adjustment, good grades, obedience at home and at school and I could have enjoyed her favor much sooner, and much longer than I did.

Experience is a great teacher. Unfortunately, the cost of its lessons most times, is far greater than most of us are willing to pay!

Look for the beauty of your life Stephanie...it's all around you! You'll be an adult soon enough and unless you turn out to be an exception to the rule (and I'm sure there are some exceptions), you're going to look back one day as an adult faced with lots of decisions, lots of questions and what feels like far more than your fair share of responsibilities, and say: "If I only knew then what I know now!"

Love your parents and accept them for who and what they are. After all...that's exactly what they do for you, every day of your life!

RE: Giving up parental rights by WWS27

WWS27 — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:41:21 GMT

Punishing your children to right the wrong being done by your wife is a punk thing to do! She may be a jerk (although I'm wondering why she's being a jerk), but abandoning your kids would be the height of irresponsible behavior. Generally, when ex-spouses begin using the children as bargaining chips between them, it's because there is animosity, anger and venom between the two of them. USUALLY over infidelity!

What do you mean by: "try everything you can do to see them?" A simple court order will take care of that! If you don't have one, GET one! If you have one that she's not honoring, haul her sorry butt back before the judge 6 ways till Sunday, until she realizes that its in her best interest to comply with the court's order.

If you were unfaithful to your wife, the pain of your infidelity is no doubt the cause of her irrational behavior. But she's responding out of hurt; not a good, sound mind and reasoning.

If infidelity caused the break-up of your marriage and all of the subsequent aftermath, i advise you to rent the movie: Fireproof (with Kirk Cameron) and watch it. (It's real corny in some spots and has a real low budget film feel). BUT....the moral of the story is powerful! And it's one that so many people...male and female...need to see and hear!!! If after watching that movie you recognize yourself, do what the guy in the movie did. Your story probably won't have a "they lived happily ever after" ending, but sight unseen I can almost PROMISE you, that you will gain her respect and regain the ground that you need to start seeing your kids again.

If necessary, get a mediator to sit down with the 2 of you (AFTER you've done what the guy in the movie did, IF infidelity was the cause of your divorce), and work out an arrangement and scheduled for your parental days and times with the kids. (It may mean that a mediator...your sister/her sister, your brother/her brother, her mom/your mom) will need to agree to pick up the kids from her, bring them to you and then take them back to her, to avoid any unnecessary contact between the 2 of you.

It's really a shame when 2 adults can't set their personal feelings aside, long enough to support their innocent children. The average parent doesn't realize that EMOTIONAL abandonment does the same (if not worse) damage as PHYSICAL abandonment! Both plant seeds of rejection and abandonment in the child, which everybody pays for later on thru the child's drug addiction, promiscuity, law-breaking and a host of other dysfunctional behaviors.

If she chooses to continue behaving like an immature school girl, YOU be the mature person! Fight for your KIDS - not to prove any specific point to HER!

RE: My daughter is obssessed with fashion magazines ... by WWS27

WWS27 — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:17:15 GMT

I certainly understand your concern and frustration, but I'd like to offer an alternative to trashing her magazines. Kids are impressionable and all they get from every media source is: style matters; if you're going to be "in" you have to "look the part.

The obsessive level of interest that your daughter is showing however, just may point to a talent that she doesn't have an outlet for, or that she may be afraid or unable to express in any other way. How about this: instead of trashing her magazines, strike a deal with her. (I'm giving you an example but you will know whether its actually do-able, or should be substituted for the next best thing until she's a little older or, more mature:

She can buy 2, new magazines each month after her grades improve to a B level)
Ask her to write a paper detailing the history, her favorite designers, her passion and everything she that has learned/is learning about fashion to date. The paper must also include which fashion era impresses her most, and why
Does a fashion career interest her? If so, what segment of the fashion industry would she prefer to work in? (day wear, designing, couture, formal wear, management, modeling, retail, vendeuse, etc.)
Why?
The paper must include explanations that support or oppose the importance and/or value of fashion in our current society, how fashion it does or does not speak to an individual's true character, and what is her attitude and what would be her contribution (if any) to the poor and middle class who can not afford today's fashions
she can attend a mini fashion and design course (online or otherwise) to explore how deep her interests really go
She can add more advanced classes or other instructional materials to study in her personal study time, if she turns her grades around in a remarkable "fashion" (straight A's)

Get creative and make it sound like you've reconsidered your previous course of action and would like to explore her passion with her, vs making it sound like a school room "assignment." Talk about having her stage a night of "Passion for Fashion" with several acquaintances or friends who share her interest. Have them go to a bargain or a thrift store and pick out 2 or 3 garments each with all the accessories (shoes, purses, scarves, jewelry, etc.) and stage a fashion show geared toward proving that she has so much passion for fashion, that she can turn leftovers into a head-turning wardrobe!! (You could even help her turn it into a fund-raiser by helping her make flyers, advertise on her Facebook page, invite family, church members, kids from other schools) and charge 3 or 4 dollars for admission. Or, host a free event but charge for the food: fruit & cheese, crackers, chicken wings, hot dogs, chips, drinks and small, sweet treats. (After she repays you for the cost of providing the food she can keep all of the money that she's raised).

Challenge her to be creative, resourceful and to have fun. In essence, you'll be killing 2 birds with 1 stone: You will be helping her to refocus on her grades, and either uncover a future, household, designer name, or just have a lot of fun together while she passes thru her fashion phase!

Kids are unpredictable; she may be the kind of kid who could be head over heels in love with one thing or another this year, and totally unimpressed and uninvolved by this time next year. But finding a way to incorporate her love of fashion into her educational experience will not only ease your discomfort with her school performance, but may just be the passage that leads to talent beyond the wildest dreams of both of you.

By the same token, it may just as well lead to nowhere. But before going straight for disciplining her for expressing her passion for something, I strongly recommend getting beside her and showing her that you're interested in what interests her. Turn her interest into a learning experience for both of you!

She can learn whether or not she has what it takes to succeed as a fashion designer, model or business owner, and you will (again) learn that nothing really ever goes out of style; it just joins the circle of life and comes back around in a different form, different color and different generation.

God bless.

PS - if she does the fashion show tell her that there is an old lady in Atlanta Georgia who believes in her, and would like to see her fashion show on YouTube!!!